So God is pissed off at humans and all their hate and greed and whatnot so he entrusts his two main men, namely the angels Gabriel and Michael to go down and kill a baby that’s supposed to be the savior of mankind and it’s protector is a man named Jeep. The baby belongs to a woman living in a truck stop called Paradise Falls (Get it? Because it’s a horrible play on words!) in the middle of the desert and ol’ Mike the angel has a change of heart and decides to help protect the baby. There’s more to it than that, and by more I mean gunfights, but ultimately it boils down to the fact that the fate of the world is in the hands of a man named after a shitty off-road vehicle.
Here are a few things I don’t get, and FYI, they constitute the remainder of the movie. First we’re told that the child will be the savior of mankind, which I thought would be encouraged by all the angels. But apparently we mortals are stupid to assume that because Michael stands alone with this point of view. Apparently God is so incredibly pissed at each and every human on the planet, that he would send a horde of zombie angels to kill the only hope of salvation. I knew the Lord could be vengeful, but wow. Then Michael says how he hopes the child will grow up in a better world. Well I should better fucking hope so, Paul Bettany, because you just said that baby was going to be the cause of a better world! Then Mikey and the people who’ve been trapped in the truck stop do battle with the demon angels who have possessed hundreds of these “sinful” humans including a small girl with a balloon, who’s mind I’m just sure was rife with imaginings of wrongdoing and the intent to commit war crimes.
Then who should grace Paradise Falls (it never gets old!) with his presence but Gabriel himself. He then reveals how the baby was never even supposed to exist and that it's birth was against God’s plan to wipe out mankind. So it’s at this point I ask myself: did an angel just imply that God is so vengeful, that he would not be above a coat hangar abortion to prevent all of mankind getting a chance at salvation? But then why did the baby have a destiny at all other than dying? If God wanted it dead then I’d expect He should have been able to take care of the baby using more devine methods than sending a hit man. If this all isn’t confusing enough, consider the aftermath of the battle between Michael and Gabriel, during which Mikey boy gets his angelic ass served to him only to return almost immediately and completely refreshed to soundly defeat Gabriel in what can be politely described as an unfair rematch and rudely described as the equivalent of a 15 minute detour through Central Park at the end of which you get urethra raped by a rose stem. He then tells Jeep the following migraine inducing information: “You’re the true protector, you always have been… have faith,” before flying off like a biblical neglecting dad.
Is Jeep the true protector? Is he really? Is that the reason why throughout the whole movie he showed not one iota of proof that he was capable of protecting a baby from even a bloodthirsty octogenarian?
One final detail that puzzles me. Michael says that the last time God lost faith in man, he sent a flood, referring to the tale of Noah’s Ark, and that this time he sent the legion. Well why the hell didn’t he send a flood again? Just flood the whole world like last time. It worked pretty effectively then. You can’t shoot a flood. Just sayin’, God.
Anyways, those are all my major complaints about the plotline. Other than that I thought the acting was poor, the action was sparse and separated by huge chunks of contrived dialogue and a hugely disappointing climax. I really have nothing good to say about this movie except the scene with the possessed old lady was funny as hell.
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